I don’t know what to do anymore

My autistic 6 year old is in speech , occupational therapy, Aba 40 hours at school and Aba 25 hours at home . I don’t know what to do anymore today was my friends kid bday party at a theme park and I was so scared to go due to his hitting/meltdowns in crowded public places STILL after all of his treatments . I just stayed home and cried . I messaged my friend trying to explain but I know she’s hurt . And I’m hurt due to kinda understanding that it may not get better .

I don’t want to make him feel bad but I do feel most days he ruined my life. And I feel really guilty saying that . Because I do love him and I know he can’t help it . But raising a neurotypical would be a breeze