Make it make sense...

Im not really good at doing this but im gonna try. Please understand im here to tell my story and am looking for advice. I wanna apologize if i use any terms out of context or whatever, please forgive me. Ok...

I joined this group a few months ago. I can say that the stories I've read on here, the comments, and what you all go thru, autism parents are the 1% when it comes to parenting and I'm in admiration with every single one of you. I don't know how yall do it and I only hope that I can live up to the standards others have shown on here..

I'm a single parent(34m) his mother left him to CYS and hasn't seen him in over 8 months. Originally he wasnt diagnosed. Tbh I thought maybe my son was just a late bloomer. Well he's been evaluated 3x now. He (5yrs) has ADHD, ODD, Developmental Delay of Speech and Language, & originally was diagnosed as a lvl2, was bumped up to a lvl3 as of a few weeks ago...

A little backstory... my son's mother and him originally got evicted due to noise complaints. CYS is involved. He walked out the house at 9pm at night. Police picked him up and thankfully he wasnt hurt & nothing bad happened to him. My sons mother wanted to sign her rights away due to that she can't take care of him and wanted to keep him in the system. I stepped up and was awarded legal and physical custody of him after that incident. Now I've taken precautions from safety kits, doors alarms, extra deadbolt, cameras, it's Fort Knox in here! Thankfully he hasn't got out again but onto the behaviors.

Screaming, throwing stuff, biting, scratching, break stuff when he doesn't get his way. He wont use the bathroom. Although compared to others stories ive read on here, my son is potty trained but refuses to use the bathroom. In fact one of the things he does is when hes watching a movie, instead pausing it and going to use the bathroom he will go find the night pull ups, take his underwear off and put the pull up on, proceed to do one push and defacate himself or he wets himself laying on his stomach or hide his dirty underwear or pull ups around the house which in turn, makes the upstairs smell like the city sewage center... Meanwhile, the bathroom is literally 3 steps from his bedroom... IT MAKES NO SENSE!

I dont understand it. I can say he's one tough character though. He's getting classes evacuated from school due to his destructive behavior, teachers and aids crying because they dont know how to handle him. Not to mention he only has to go a half day, 3hrs because the public schooling isnt equipped to handle situations like this. I have an IEP for him and that's thanks to reading on here how the school systems are f*****g these kids over to get them help.(excuse my french) but they have yet to send over his papers to the autism base school I found so he can attend there full time. So might have to get an educational advocate involved.

As I said before I'm a single parent now. I should mention that I had a closed adoption with my own family. My adopted parents have passed away but boy could I use some of my dad's advice right now. I don't have help from family or friends and my closest friends live a half hour away so it's just us. What's makes this worst is hes nonverbal and it's hard to understand him. My son is literally the offspring to Donnie from the Wild Thornberrys! I fortunately have found ways for us to communicate from asking him to show me what he wants, using one word answers to describe what he wants or using the color. He knows alot of words, colors, shapes, characters on movies and TV, objects, cars, trucks, planes... he's very smart. But I just feel it's not enough..

I beat myself up everyday. Although I have seen progress others haven't, I put myself on this podium expecting results overnight. I get nervous hes gonna get expelled before I can get him help or into the right school. Thankfully CYS and me are on good terms and even though my case was closed, they're still in our lives unfortunately. So i meet with 2 TCM's a week, a bonding therapist, a transition coordinator, and 2 other case managers.

8 months ago when this all started, I went on LOA at work and I've been on it ever since... I feel less of myself because I'm not working. My dad is probably doing backflips in his grave seeing me not work and sitting around. I can still hear him saying,

"If you ain't doing anything then you're doing nothing at all."

Again forgive me, I'm not good at writing or talking about my problems. I was taught not to ask people for help and figure it out yourself because in the end, that's all I'm gonna have. Ive had a better experience with this then others but i hate myself for it all... I only have 1 question for everyone on here...

Has anyone actually gave up on here? Like put their child thru adoption? I thought about doing an open adoption due to the idea that he could have a better support system then what he does here, a family as well... Is that selfish and wrong of me to feel that way?